nye eve

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having a whole week off work is more boring than it sounds. especially when none of my friends want to go out on weeknights. especially when one friend in particular isn't going out and bringing a certain someone. its really weird how upset this makes me, i didn't realize i would care so much. i haven't crushed this hard since highschool. it hurts the pit of my stomach. especially when im alone. i keep trying to do things anything to get my mind off it. i want to just forget it and stop saying stupid things to him on fb, to my friends in rl. this blog is such a middle school diary for me.
tonight im going to weber with a group of friends. it will be okay. we are dressing up and it will be pretty awkward im thinking. plus james' girlfriend seems to hate me right now. i dont know. i dont care.
i feel kind of depressed. i really hope this feeling wears off. nye is going to be such bullshit. no ones doing anything. i want 2011 to be better, and i guess doing nothing will be a better start to the new year than hanging around at some super lame party like i did for 2010. god 2010 has been such a suckfest.

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that pukey confused love feeling is back. this is a complicated situation. this year has been awful in boy world, so i dont even know. the more i say the worse it will get. i dont even want to think about it but i can't stop. it's such a bad idea. but he's so cute.

im so excited for christmas! i will be off all week next week. winter break for adults!

wedstadium last night with matt k, matt l, michelle and jorge. it was a lot of fun. the old coldstone crew.

for me

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i am completely satisfied with being single right now. i am really happy with my life and the way things are going for me. i feel like a boy would just waste a lot of my time. i know this because they have been wasting my time for years now. i mean not that i have some epic project they are keeping me from.
they take part of me away. i am not completely myself, i always change no matter how much i tell myself that i haven't or i won't. because when i look back now i see all the things i've missed because of them. or maybe i was wasting their time since i was the one to end it. every time.

this year has been the worst with all of the awkward first dates and kisses and calls. i don't want to bother with it anymore. i am too picky. no one is good enough or they kiss my forehead or their mouth tastes weird or they sell beef jerky. i give up and i am happy about giving up. i feel like the burden of caring about this is over.