rambling

maybe it's this time of year, but i'm starting to hate being alone. i am so grateful for the people i have in my life, but i wish i had someone to share my day to day with. i know i do this to myself. i break up with everyone. i have gone back to thinking of one person in particular that i let go. was it a mistake? i know we had some problems, but maybe it was worth it. maybe life is never perfect. i think i just have this insanely high expectation that the person i'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with will make me so happy that i'll never doubt anything. i'll never wonder if there's someone else out there. a soulmate. if that does exist. a person who will take care of your heart. i know that this is going to sound incredibly stupid but, i was listening to the radio the other day and i heard an onstar commercial and it made me start crying. the woman got in an accident and the onstar person asked who the woman would like to call and the woman was on the verge of crying and she said she wanted her husband. and he answered the phone and just sounded so worried. they both sounded like they cared so much for each other. it made me really upset because it made me think of the person i was currently with. i wouldn't have called him if i got in an accident. i probably wouldnt even have told him unless my car was completely ruined. as stupid as it sounds, that commercial really put my relationship in perspective. i had to end it because i just didn't care enough about this guy to think to call him first when something occurred in my life.

thinking back to the other person, i probably would have called him if we were still in a relationship. we really did care for each other. but wouldn't it be pathetic to go back to someone you've dumped? not that it matters what others think, but it would look like i'm settling and he's desperate. i don't know if that would be true. i do miss him. but on the other hand. we broke up for a reason. it's too much pressure to try again and then i'll feel completely awful if i just get smacked in the face with the realization that we really broke up for a reason. i couldn't do it to him twice. and it was just really hard for me to handle his disease. heart breaking at times and really angering the rest of the time. and i know it's not his fault that he has it, but the fact that he didn't care for himself is what pissed me off.
maybe someday i'll find what i'm looking for. i have a pretty clear picture in my head of how i want things to be, but it's okay if it doesn't work out that way. overall i'm happy with what i have and i love my life.